“‘Cos who I am is enough...”

I had a powerful feeling come over me today, a feeling that although I have struggled more than I’d have liked in this lockdown, I believe I have learnt something about myself and feel I can make a positive change in me.

When I was a teenager, I had a crush on a boy in my year, i was about 13 and it was my first proper crush and the boy had been talking to me in class. I was shy, nervous and was clearly embarrassed. During the lesson I visited the girls toilets and was horrified of my reflection i saw in the mirror looking back at me. My face was so red. Not just rosy cheeks but completely all round beetroot all over the face red, and within that second something inside me disappeared...any shred of confidence I had previously felt vanished.

It was, from that day on, that I hid behind my new mask. Makeup.

I would not be without it, and throughout the years it got more and more and more so that normality to me was a full face, thick layered coating to hide what was really underneath.

Every now and again I felt the redness flaring up if I felt awkward, anxious or uncomfortable, but it was safe beneath the surface and nobody could see.

Beauty did lie within, and well underneath for me. I was quite harsh in my own thoughts, I needed makeup to look and feel pretty and without it I thought I could never be considered as such by anybody.

I was cruel to myself. Unnecessarily harsh.

Throughout the years the mask became thicker and I would not be seen outside without something of some kind on my face.

Then comes the 2020 lockdown and I’m thrown into a routine I’m not used to. Make up wasn’t needed and I didn’t even care, my skin was in shock and dried out quickly and I actually started a routine where I looked after what was underneath...selfies now showed the deep blue of my eyes, the glow of my cheeks and the redness didn’t bother me so much. Daily zoom meetings saw me on video calls with not a single piece of make up on, and no concern about that either. Late last week my friend messaged me after a team call and said something along the lines of “you looked so lovely today and it was good to see your face”.

Me? Lovely? With my completely un made upped face?

Then a couple of days back I was scrolling through my pictures and came across some selfies I had taken before lockdown, just a few weeks back, and I felt a reaction in myself that I had experienced many years before. Horror. I was taken back to that school mirror, pre foundation, disgusted at my naked face.

Now it was horror at the clown staring back at me. I wear far too much make up I can’t see the features I’ve come to know and love over the past few weeks, my fresh faced, glowing skin was hidden under caked on concealers, foundations and all that goes with it....and I vowed that, with the exception of nights out (because sometimes it’s nice to feel prettied up and glitzy), I would not hide myself any longer behind the mask I had built up over so many years.

I put myself on the line everyday baring my heart and soul for the purposes of mental health and to help others, but I was always hidden. No more. I finally, in the face of a pandemic, in the time when I have had time to learn, to appreciate the little things, I have learned to love myself again. I no longer scowl at my reflection, but I smile instead.

I will not be going back to that mask.

Infact, I think i suit red.

Kim xx