The return...

I am due to go back to work soon...

This statement in itself is daunting.  It fills me with dread and a whole new set of anxieties that I've never experienced before, but this has also bought up fresh conversations with my new mummy friends about their own fears in taking those initial steps and having those discussions,  but the ultimate worry is the same.  We will have to leave our babies.

The conversation with work about how we return, what changes have occurred, if we can go back to the same positions or if we even want to return at all.  They are difficult conversations which are delicate for us.  We work hard for our careers and then becoming a parent means that we could be forced to step back or make difficult decisions because our focus now is always going to be on our children and what is best for them.  I haven't had the greatest experiences with these initial discussions, they are not all straightforward and it's important to do your homework and know your rights.

On top of that stress, we then have to think about childcare...we might be lucky to have family to care for our little ones during our absence, we might have to look for paid childcare, where we have to start a search into finding someone we trust with our most ultimate and precious creations.   For us we looked at a few locations and honestly struck some off the list simply for the tiniest little things that we didn't like the look of, or actions from staff members showing us around (like not remembering the gender of our child) yes, we might be picky but as their parents it's our right to be.   These childcare settings will be a big part of our children's lives and development.

Once you finally decide on who looks after your children, you still have to mentally prepare yourself for actually leaving them.

I hadn't given it much thought, mainly because I didn't want to...but after initiating the discussions with work I have been forced to face reality and honestly, I'm terrified.

I know in my heart that nursery will do him the world of good and the days he is with family they will be building unbreakable bonds.

But, how do I go from being with this little ray of sunshine 24/7 for the last 8 months to handing him over to others to experience his joy, while I miss out on the daily changes and wonders that he creates.  It genuinely breaks my heart.

I've heard it from so many mums before me, I hear it from my mummy friends.  Returning to work may be joyous in some senses, but in others It will have a huge negative impact and will take a while for us to adapt and learn, that our new roles as mummy's will need to take another new turn and we are always developing and perfecting our new parent skills.  We become braver, we become stronger, we learn to stand up for ourselves and set new boundaries in order for us do what's best for our little ones.

One of my mummy friends this morning said "getting home to my family is my priority" and I feel that 100%.

Whether you are career driven or you chug along on the work train without a care in the world, the change from employee to mother makes you realise what's important in life and also what we are prepared to put up with when our focus has a new direction

This new insight into work and employment has made me realise that we are small parts in a great big machine and no matter how much we put into our work, it's not us that matters, it's the job that's being done.

We can move forward with our careers full force, fight for what we work hard for and have rightfully earned.  If that is what we want we deserve it, no matter what changes have taken place in our personal lives, if that is what we choose we also have the right to the anxieties that come along with parenthood and leaving our children to come and do that work.  We may be frowned upon for having those feelings but it's our parental right

At the moment any time I think of returning to work and all that comes with that, I want to just cry a river.  I know in time this will be easier but for now I need to learn these next steps and experience it all for myself.

For any parent going through these important next steps, be strong, stand tall...remind yourself of what is important.  Allow yourself to feel all the feelings and be honest with those around you, including your employee.  We are not the first in this position and we won't be the last.

Most importantly, remember the tiny human who we are doing this all for.  The time away from us will be a huge step in their development.  No matter what age it happens whether they are 3 months or 4 years, we all have to take the step when eventually they go off to school for the first time.   They will likely be stronger than we are.  There will be tears for them but they will move on when they start new daily activities whereas we will likely be full of anxieties for them throughout the day.

Mumma's, Daddy's, Grandparents, Foster Carers and all types of Guardian.

Be brave,

Be resilient.

Be bold.

Ultimately, we will always be the one our babies look for at the end of each day.

So I remind myself now, with each pang of mum-guilt and each lump in my throat, I might be a part time employee when I return to work and be desperate to press that escape button...but at least at home I am full time mummy and that is the best job I could ever have been given.

xMummy Kx