Like a wildflower...

I don’t believe I am the only one to feel like they are spiralling out of control right now.

Our world has been thrown into something we couldn’t have predicted this time last year, with no idea we’d be in lockdowns around the globe, and getting used to our lives behind masks, our small material barriers. It’s been a trying time for even the toughest of souls, and those that have survived past demons have been thrown back into disrepair, looking for ways to once again, heal their scars.

The latter is where I am...revisited by ghosts when I least expect it. Sitting at my makeshift living room desk, walking through the local parks or even in the night as I sleepily stumble round the house to get a glass of water...I am taken straight back to a hurtful place I had once made peace with, trying to find answers to questions I don’t know how to answer.

My demons.

See, I have the ghosts...but the ghosts are me, and there’s nothing creepier than being haunted by my own creepy self.

Most recently, I have come to the conclusion that I am now almost 100% me.

This sounds strange but bear with me on this.

You see, previously something didn’t feel right in me, I wasn’t really sure who I was as a person, I was a people pleaser, a yes-woman, I had my own style but I pinged around different worlds because I had no specific place to fall. I only felt like half a person...some part of me has always felt a little empty that a part of my personality or soul may have been missing. I have a long history of not truly knowing myself, or liking myself...of putting on faces or smiles, I am no actress but I put on many shows, showing confidence I didn’t really have and to people that never really deserved it. I was bullied, I lost friends, I experienced rejection, loss, hurt, pain and I was dealing with my OCD at the same time without anyone really knowing.

I was muddling through with no understanding and no clear direction.

I never knew what I wanted to do with my life in regards to a career. I didn’t feel I deserved anything to big or grand, I always do myself as all round average. I was never sure how someone should be treated and when I was treated badly I was stuck in a certain way of thinking with no way to get out.

It took a long time to understand what i deserved. I was scared to say no to things I didn’t want to do and scared to say yes to dreams I wanted to reach.

I have missed out on too much. I have also experienced too much of what I wish I hadn’t.

Up to recently I was moulded, as a larger personality with no voice.

More recently I have fallen into line with how my life should have always been, I met Mr. A who has taught me love and life like I had never really seen it before.

I have more drive and more passion, I make more waves and I have a louder roar.

I appreciate much more in the everyday. Fog over fields, spider webs covered in raindrops and birds round a bird feeder. I enjoy much more in life and I think about things for a long time after I’ve experienced them. Basking in their glory for just being a small piece of joy in the world for a plot second of a day.

This new kind of me is no bed of roses though, as the ghosts are still present and sometimes they come and visit when I least expect them and i wilt, losing some of my spirit along the way. Until, like now I reach out and seek the help I require to build myself back up. Sometimes I reach out too late and the climb is that little bit harder. It’s not impossible though and I won’t ever give up on the ascent.

You see the ghosts once paved over my paradise, not allowing me to see the world how it should have been, but I sought out the cracks, and like a wildflower, I will grow in those hardiest of places, and I will rise, sunglasses on...ready to learn more about my place on this planet.

I will continue to bloom.

Kim xx