We all have a story...

When you are a child, nobody assumes you are going to be dealing with such internal demons. I was a child when I first experienced my mental health problems, my mind was consumed by thoughts that truly bad things might happen if I didn’t perform certain tasks on a daily basis. I still did everything else a child would do, but deep in my head were these sad thoughts that could trap me for hours at a time. My brain was developing with these ingrained and I wasn’t going to be getting away from them anytime soon. These thoughts continued for years without anyone outside of my parents really recognising what I was doing.

At 19 years old my thoughts got so bad I felt as though my mind body and soul were made of lead and I was sinking in life. At this point was the first realisation I needed some help.

Around my mid 20’s I was crying a lot, in the mornings driving to work, in the evenings driving home from work, sometimes I would leave my house and drive around nowhere for hours just crying. I never really knew why. I started getting panic attacks, thoughts that I needed to get out of work and run away. I truthfully felt like the devil was always on my back and would never go away, I assume now that this was me trying to get away from it, trying to cry it all out. This was the 2nd time I knew I needed help. I found it.

At 31, I was dragged into a very deep hole. I have never felt as horrible in myself as I did in 2017, and you know what? I was scared. I was very very scared, to the point where I was contacting Samaritans and crisis lines, not because I thought I was going to hurt myself because I wasn’t, and I wouldn’t, I can say that confidently. I contacted them because I was frightened that I didn’t understand what was going on in my own head. For the 3rd time I was referred to therapy and I feel a million times better than I felt this time last year.

The above does not make it seem like I have had much of a life, but these have been seeds which were just growing in the background. I still have a large and loving family, I am an Auntie and have watched my niece and nephew grow up. I have wonderful friends and consider myself very lucky to have the amount that I do. Not many people can say that but I have some people who I know will never go anywhere and who always have my back, (believe me, whenever I get married I’m going to have a nightmare picking bridesmaids!). I have a most wonderful and caring boyfriend who stuck by and supported me in my darkest of days (Who is probably going to freak out that I just mentioned the word “bridesmaids” in my blog). I have seen amazing places and I have done amazing things and I have so much more planned.

During my 2017 ‘slump’ I caught sight of a childhood picture of myself and I started crying, apologising that I had let that little girl down. I hadn’t, I just took her on one hell of a journey!

My life is not nothing because of my mental health experiences. My life is rich for having them in the first place. I can’t say that I wish I could go back and do it all again, it’s all part of the life lessons for me, and if I changed a single tiny thing I may not be where I am now.

Embrace what you have, understand what you need, and ALWAYS make sure you take care of you. Your story isn't over.

#weallhaveastory

xKimx